Tony Funderburk

Over 1400 words. A guy wrote a parking spot rant, uh, article, that long, about how to park in one. So, it would appear he’s taken a fairly passionate stand on this grave issue our nation faces. Until that rant, uh, article came across my feed, I have to admit I was ignorant to this silent horror.

Here’s a snippet from the parking spot rant, uh, article…

He’s talking about one of his favorite areas to shop.

“Having traveled to this same establishment hundreds of times over a period of years, I’ve noticed a dramatic change in driver behavior, and one that has made running errands rather trying. I don’t want to overstate the problem. But after years of close study, I have arrived at the conclusion that people who back into parking spaces are history’s greatest monsters.”

OK. He states his premise clearly. And the plot’s main villain is also clearly defined.

Then, he illustrates his firm grasp of the situation based on some mathematical research.

“It would not be unreasonable to assume a couple of thousand cars are coming and going from my neighborhood strip mall on a given day. Given that much traffic, there’s a basic formula for efficiency here: The time it takes to get your car into a space added to the time it takes to pull out of the space.”

Great. Simple and succinct. Kudos.

Then, he points out the fallacy of the perpetrator’s faulty thinking and misguided ideas.

“Now a great many drivers seem to be under the impression that, because being able to pull out of parking space when you’re already facing forward is a little quicker than backing straight out of a space, this somehow makes up for any extra time it took to back into the space. Please go to your local busy parking lot with a stopwatch. I assure you, it does not.”

I know you’re probably like me. That’s a big “WHEW!” Right? We have his assurance that his calculations, not the “monster’s” are correct. But he doesn’t just make that assertion without some rock solid, clear-headed, common sense facts.

“Turning while backing into a space is a perilous process, exacerbated by the relative narrowness of the channels between rows in a given parking lot. That’s because there’s no room for error; one misjudged angle while you’re looking over your shoulder results in a small crunch that could cost you a few thousand dollars, to say nothing of the insurance hassle. Even if you think you’re being relatively quick in backing up, there are powerful incentives to make sure you’re extra careful, i.e. slow, when backing into a parking space.”

And, of course, he backs up those facts.

He simply illustrates the contrasting flawed parking method.

“Now contrast this with the traditional way of pulling into a parking space. Due to the fact that about 99 percent of the turns we make are when we are driving forward, our spatial awareness looking ahead is of course far superior. As for backing out of a space, well, when you start with the car parked already inside the space, you don’t really have to judge any complicated angles. You back straight out, confident there’s already space on either side of the car. You only start to turn when you’re mostly out of the space and the turning radius in relation to the cars on either side of you is wide.”

Now, I could share more of his great points. But I’ve already used almost half as many words as he did just talking about what he talked about. So, I’ll add his last solid proof text.

“…every extra 30 seconds wasted in a parking lot is compounding existing problems and making overall traffic worse in ways we can scarcely imagine.

And yet, the people backing into spaces are so selfish they haven’t even tried to imagine the levels upon levels of “just because you could doesn’t mean you should” that we decent citizens are dealing with every day on the mean streets of our local strip mall. If you’re still backing into spaces, just cut it out and pull straight into the space the way basic geometry demands.”

There you have it. A clear case for the justified parking spot rant.

Of course, my monstrous response is that I’ll park “backwards” in spaces even more now. And your judgmental slings and arrows, should I ever offend you in some unnamed parking lot, will fall away from me like water off a duck’s back.

Nope, I won’t even hear you over the sound of the Bellamy Brothers in my head…

There’s a reason for the sun-shining sky.
And there’s a reason why I’m feeling so high.
Must be the season,
When that love light shines all around us…

Stay tuned,

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